(Edmund: This is the first time I’m talking about my relationship/personal matters… so read only if you want to… however I’m keeping a lot of other details out so please don’t post comments digging for more info – like who the girl is, what exactly happened, etc. I hope you respect my privacy. Thanks!)
Sorry for the long hiatus. And that happened for a reason.
It’s been a month since I last updated something substantial to my Personal Blog. (the YouTube video in the previous post doesn’t count, of course)
I was having second thoughts about writing this post. But then, I feel much better penning it out here knowing that mostly friends and people I know come to visit my Personal Homepage.
As I am writing this, this is probably the most trying time I am going through in a long time. After getting off the phone call just now, it’s going to be one scary, roller coaster ride of a life from here on.
Normally, I keep my relationship and personal matters a low profile even from this blog. Yet, I’m not comfortable posting anything else here if this goes unmentioned…
To put things into perspective – and long story short – I had been in a relationship with the first love of my life. That went on for more than half a year. Later we “broke up” but not under bad circumstances though; we accepted that we were both different but we mutually agreed to still be best friends.
So for many months, we enjoyed being together as best friends instead of being in a committed relationship. It was ideal. It was perfect!
All that changed gradually.
I have to confess that in spite of the “best friend” title, I still treated her more than a friend. I really did. Unfortunately – again the long story short – she cannot return reciprocal love – at least, not the one I expected. Naturally over time, I grew jealous and possessive. Yet it would be too selfish of me to ask her to comply.
It’s what you’d probably read about in books on romance or stories you hear from your heartbroken guy friends. “She wants me to be her good friend… but she keeps a one foot pole distance.” I didn’t want to listen though.
So this hurt me for days. Then it turned into weeks. And then months. It was eating me alive. It came to a point where I grew hardly productive at my business, slept longer hours and for some odd reason I’m becoming ill easily these days.
Finally it arrived to a point where being just friends is no longer possible between us.
Tonight, I did the hardest thing that I dreaded most. I know I cannot move on if I still hold onto the past, and the ‘illusion of hope’ that we can still be together on a mutually intimate level.
So I did what needed to be done right from the start: I ended all ties and connections with her.
Don’t get me wrong: I still love her a lot. We have had been on many adventures together, been to places together, did things together, shared our feelings we wouldn’t have told anyone else…
She is still the best girl I have ever met in my life.
The only regret is that I am not the right guy for her. And before anyone get any bad ideas about my first love (she’s too sweet for that)… actually, I was responsible for hurting her and making her upset in the first place (though unintentional) that the relationship didn’t work out as we both planned.
I have only myself to blame in the end, and the mess is mine to clean up. I was given the chance to be her boyfriend – when so many other guys are dying to just get to know this attractive girl – and I blew it away.
If I stay in this current position for too long or even forever, I will never grow. I will never move on. And she’s meant for bigger things in life to be burdened by my… well, childish demands. I’m embarrassed to say this but I can’t think of any better words to describe how I feel about myself now.
I don’t blame her one bit even after all that has happened.
It wasn’t easy even though I promised myself not to cry (which I did anyway, like 10 seconds into the conversation over the phone). Still, I needed to stick to my guns.
For my good and for hers.
I was VERY, VERY scared about putting the phone down because when I finally do, I know I won’t call her again.
I needed to flush my past momento’s, memories… anything that reminds me of her… out of my system. This also means I have to stop my addictive compulsion of visiting her web pages and FaceBook, or even trying to call or SMS her when she’s on the other side of the world.
Not easy but I need to let go of my past if I am to embrace the possibilities of the future. Otherwise I will be back to where I had started. Nothing would have changed. And I would continue getting hurt myself. And so will she in the process.
For the first time in my life – and really – I found out how useless money can get. No wonder people say “money is most useful where it’s needed, and most useless where it’s not.” I was ready to give up my financial goals and my wealth to get back to her.
But logically, that won’t happen. And I don’t think there’s anything else I can do to change her mind. At the same time, I cannot be content with being just “friends”. Not after everything we have had been through together.
I still wish her the best and that although she’s not looking for a boyfriend right now, I hope she finds a man much better myself eventually. It was great knowing her and now I know what it’s like to finally really LOVE someone and then LOSE it… then never love at all. Thank you for playing a big part of my life.
I have to pick up my pieces and move on. I’m sure I will meet the right girl for me one day but I need to sort my own mess out before that can happen.